Reviews by Hereward L.M. Proops
It’s easy to appreciate a clever writer.
One who is capable of using a few choice words to paint the most vivid of
pictures. Or someone who is able to capture the subtle nuances that make up
real human personalities. Or a writer whose tight plotting and careful pacing
holds you spellbound until the very last page. As keen readers, we’re all able
to name at least two or three books that blew our minds the first time we read
them.
But what about the silly books? Books whose
sole purpose is to be frivolous, mindless pieces of entertainment. Books to be
read in one sitting on a wet Sunday afternoon after a few too many glasses of
cheeky Cabernet Sauvignon at lunchtime and then forgotten as you drift off into
a semi-drunken stupor. The sort of book that you find hugely enjoyable but
never openly admit to liking in intelligent company. Books with a cover so
idiotic and puerile that you try to hide it in your lap when reading it in a
public place. I’m talking about cheap, disposable trash… the sort of book that
your Kindle was made for.
My Day by Jones: the cat’s eye view of Alien by Anne Billson
The first of the three dumb little books
I’m looking at today is Anne Billson’s witty tribute to Ridley Scott’s classic
sci-fi horror, “Alien”. Regular visitors to the site will be well aware of my
undying love for the movie and won’t be surprised to learn that I sought out
this little gem as soon as I learned about its existence. Available for 99p on
Kindle, this short story retells the story of the final voyage of the Nostromo
from the perspective of Jones, the ship’s cat.
Being a cat, Jones is totally egocentric
and has little affection for the humans on board the ship (or “tinopeners” as
he calls them). As the hideous xenomorph is brought onboard and begins picking
off the humans one by one, Jones sits back and watches the proceedings with
utter detachment. It is this total lack of empathy for the victims of the alien
that makes this book so amusing. There are moments when it seems that the cat
holds the humans in such low regard that he actually appears to be rooting for
the alien. However, his hunch that the xenomorph is some kind of giant ugly
hairless kitten leads him to side with the humans, but only because he worries
that there is only enough cat-food onboard the Nostromo for him. His irritation
with Ripley when she forces him into the cat-box as she evacuates the doomed
ship is marvelous and Jones’ description of the final confrontation between
Ripley and the alien is delightfully cynical.
It is clear that Billson took great
pleasure in taking the high-tension plot of the movie and turning it into
something laugh-out-loud funny. Obviously, those who haven’t seen the original
film won’t really understand or appreciate this retelling of the story. At
about 12 pages long, it won’t take long to read “My Day by Jones” and some
might question whether a single short story is worth 99p. To make up for the
short length, Billson bundles the first four chapters of her 1993 vampire novel
“Suckers” with the short story. Despite not lasting as long as I would have
liked, I found “My Day by Jones” to be a witty, affectionate tribute to one of
my all-time favourite films.
How I Created Katie Hopkins by Adolf
Hitler translated by Barry Sausages
Now this is one that I can only recommend
on two conditions a) you can download it for free and b) you have a strong
stomach. Those of you reading this outside of the United Kingdom might wonder
who Katie Hopkins is. Think yourself lucky. Don’t bother googling her name or
trying to find out more about her. Remain ignorant of her existence, you’ll be
happier that way. In fact, if you haven’t heard of Katie Hopkins, just take my
word for it that she is a deeply unpleasant person who appears to relish notoriety.
Leave it at that and move on to the next section of this review.
Those of us who live in dear old Blighty
can’t help but to have heard of Hopkins and have witnessed her somewhat
desperate attempts to remain in the public eye. It’s like she decided that if
she couldn’t be universally popular, she would rather be universally despised
because at least that way she’s been noticed. She’s like an emotionally
neglected child who would rather have negative attention from her parents than
no attention at all. The flurry of outrage that surrounds this loathsome
individual whenever she opens her mouth is, unfortunately, exactly what she
wants. Every celebrity condemnation of her ridiculous opinions; every tweet
about her, both good and bad - it all boosts her public profile and gives her a
wider audience.
Barry Sausages (I’m fairly certain that’s
not his real name), seems to have hit on the best way of dealing with Hopkins…
if you can’t ignore her, write a short story about her where she engages in a
sex-act with the twentieth century’s most loathed figure. Yes, you read that
correctly. The book is about twelve pages long, roughly eight of which are
devoted to describing Hopkins and Hitler’s frenzied intercourse in eye-watering
detail. The remaining four pages involve time-travelling assassins, Eva Braun
and Russell Brand.
At £1.99, it is incredibly hard to
recommend purchasing this very short ebook. I’d feel cheated had I paid half
that price for something that could be read beginning to end in a couple of minutes.
I was able to get hold of a free copy and it made me laugh louder and harder
than I have for quite some time. It’s filthy, puerile and in the worst possible
taste. If you aren’t offended by it, then there is probably something wrong
with you. Of course, just like Hopkins herself, that is precisely the author’s
intention. I’ve read some pretty dumb things in the five years I’ve reviewed
for Booksquawk but this one takes the cake. Approach with extreme caution.
Wolfcop: Fleshmob by Brad Munson
One of last year’s most fun films was the
Canadian horror-comedy “Wolfcop”. A B-movie tribute to those dreadful
straight-to-video gems that were inexplicably popular in the 1980s, “Wolfcop”
told the story of Lou Garou, an alcoholic cop in a small town who transforms
into a werewolf after being cursed. Garou’s new lupine powers enable him to
become a better cop and uncover a conspiracy instigated by a group of reptilian
shape-shifters. The daft storyline was made more palatable by some goofy
practical effects and a generous serving of over-the-top gore. “Wolfcop” was
never going to win any Oscars, but I found it entertaining enough to purchase a
copy of this spin-off ebook as soon as it was released.
“Wolfcop: Fleshmob” is a sequel-of-sorts
to the movie and sees Lou Garou investigating an outbreak of strange and
incredibly violent flashmob-style dancing in his local mall. Before long, the
lycanthropic policeman is caught up in a wild adventure revolving around
musical mind-control, sinister corporations and a sexy goth extreme-wiccan who
is adept at both hacking computers and tossing magical hexes around. Like the
original movie, “Wolfcop: Fleshmob” is not meant to be taken too seriously. At
153 pages, this novella is the longest of the three ebooks reviewed here by
quite a long way, but at £4 it is also the most expensive, perhaps even a
little over-priced. Just like the film, the story manages to cram in a decent
amount of action and gore whilst squeezing in a few knob-gags for good measure.
It’s never hilariously funny, nor is it gripping enough to keep you awake all
night reading but Munson’s prose is snappy enough and, at a few choice moments,
the dialogue is reminiscent of the firecracker exchanges of a Joe R. Lansdale
novel. However, this ebook is let down by more than its fair share of clumsy
spelling mistakes and one gets the impression that it could have benefitted
from a more thorough edit before being unleashed on the world. I’ve seen
sloppier ebooks, but not at such a high price.
Despite these minor grumbles, I found it
easy to get swept along with the pure unbridled silliness of it all and I will
probably read Lou Garou’s next adventure, should it ever happen. The film
didn’t get the publicity it deserved and so it remains relatively obscure, not
even popular enough to deserve the sobriquet of “cult film”. This novella is
even less likely to gain popular acclaim but I have no doubt that fans of
“Wolfcop” will find plenty to entertain them here.
Hereward L.M. Proops
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